Sometimes, I feel like my life isn’t real.
Is this just me? Do other people feel that sensation as well? Some mornings I wake up and think to myself, “this isn’t real life.” This is not what life is. Certainly it can’t be what my life is. It feels like nothing is real and that we are all just floating through moments. But, here I am, living. I think. So, in a way it must be real, right? It’s a real mind f*** sometimes.
Other times, it feels like I’m just on one big vacation. That’s how it feels right now, living in Seattle. It feels like I’m just on vacation and sooner or later I’m going to be going back home. I suppose this could be thought of a good thing, in a way. If your life doesn’t feel like hard work that means it can’t be so bad, right? I guess I should be feeling grateful and blessed that life feels more like a vacation rather than life. However, it does leave me with this constant wonder of when and where does the real world happen? Is there any such thing? When do we grow up because I still feel like a child. At twenty-four I sometimes have the mindset of a child. I don’t think I’m old enough to have a family or care for others. I’m good at being young and having fun. So, when does the real world come into play? And more terrifyingly, will I be ready for it?
Later today, I’ll be heading back to Minnesota for the first time since my move at the end of July. Land of the frozen tundra, aka sweet. Actually, I am a bit surprised that it’s already Christmas time. And, considering it doesn’t snow out here in Seattle I’m not really in the Christmas spirit. I feel like I just loaded up my car and headed west to the silent beauty of the mountains. Now, all of a sudden I’m flying back. I’m sure my parent’s would disagree but it feels like I was just home. I need more time.
I believe going home humbles us all. Family has that way about them. They tend to knock you off your high horse and keep you grounded. It reminds you what’s important in life. My parents still have this knack of teaching me more life lessons each and every time I see them. It’s amazing actually, just when I think they are done teaching they teach something else. It’s refreshing. The same is true with my siblings. I’m always caught off guard with how grown up they seem to get each and every time I see them. My brother especially, when did he mature?
Of course, if I avoid going home, I don’t have to see the saddest part of life- the aging of our loved ones. I actually am getting anxiety while writing this and thinking about it. Their minds, souls and hearts stay young but their bodies are growing and aging. There are few things I fear in life and losing my parents is one. If I have to go home and see their hair growing and bodies shrinking, I have to admit to myself that time is passing and so is life. That actually, is my greatest fear. In my mind, my parents will live forever. I know I won’t but they better.
Anyway, I’ve completely lost my sense of subject and this post has trailed into nonsense and rambles of hot mess words. See you in Minnesota!
Cheers to a wonderful, dreamy December.