I have no answers. No insightful things to say. No advice to be given. All I have are a bunch of questions roaming around in my head.
As the days go on so does our life. Turning the page, closing one chapter and starting a new one. Goodbyes are never easy and always seem to pull at our heartstrings. No matter how much time passes, it seems like as long as you are somewhat connected, your heart is involved.
The nice thing about life is that it’s fluid. We have the opportunity to make goodbyes see you laters. We can stop and change directions at any given time. We can twist and wind through the roads until we find a fit that works for us. And, even when we leave people and places behind, the things that mean the most will stay in our hearts. Knowing that it’s fluid however, doesn’t always make it easier. It doesn’t make the questions simpler or the answers any clearer.
Sometimes, when we make decisions in life we spend days, months and years questioning that single decision and the way it shaped our life. When I lived in Minneapolis, I had the most amazing job. I was in love with it and it was my whole life. Most days felt like I was having fun rather than working. My coworkers were some of my closest friends, my kids were the absolute sweetest, and my boss was like a second mother to me.
I would be lying if I said that leaving them and starting new in Seattle was easy. It would be an even bigger lie if I said that I didn’t miss that life. That sometimes, so badly, I want to give up on this new life and go back to the old. There have been many times in the past 9 months where I have questioned if I did the right thing by leaving.
When something is your world and you choose to leave, you leave a piece of your heart. Especially working with kids- they teach you things about yourself that you never would have known without them. You become more patient and understanding, perhaps a little more nurturing and seemingly emotional. When I left that job, that city and that state behind, I left a piece of my heart with them, and I know it’s something I can never fully get back.
It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel things so deeply. I am an emotional creature and because of this I question if there will ever be a time when I feel completely whole. Are we ever truly whole? Are we always searching for a missing piece? Are we ever truly content? And if we are, are we settling? How do we know what the right thing is?
I read a quote once about how traveling causes us to never feel whole again, because we leave our hearts in so many places. I definitely believe this is true. I can feel it within myself. It’s a struggle every day to find peace with the present, feel whole and feel like things will be okay. How do we fill these voids of the missing pieces of our hearts? Once we leave our hearts with so many people, in so many places, is there any way to feel whole again? Or, are we forever doomed to feel a missing void?
Such is life.