The snow is coming down all around me, so bad I can’t see a thing in front of me. A complete white out if you will. I feel like I am aimlessly driving into a white blur, which is fine by me since my brain is chugging a thousand miles an hour. The soundtrack to my crazy drive is a repeated song of “The Only Living Boy In New York.”
Suddenly, as if on cue from my favorite movie, Garden State, I let out a giant scream. I just sit there, driving into nothing and scream. Damn, it feels good to get that out. I feel a little silly for this but realize there is absolutely no one around and if they are- they can’t see me for the white, blizzard snow is undoubtedly covering up my crazy antics.
I blame the Gemini sign. The dual personalities my sign carries. I have had my passions figured out for a few years now. Something, being only a young twenty-something, I am proud about. My heart, however, struggles with the obscene combination of stage and road. I thought my two sides would work in combination to create a healthy, balanced lifestyle. However, they seem to fight and tug at my heart strings.
Pulling me in one direction is the stage, my love for dance. And in the other is my need and deep desire for travel and a life on the run. Is it possible to balance both? I ask myself this question on a daily basis. How do I strategically live a life that fulfills both of my hearts desires? Can I manage this? Where will my regrets form? Am I missing something?
Earlier in the day, I found myself in Church. My nephews were getting baptized and I was there as a pure spectator. I listened to the readings but mostly found my anxious thoughts wandering. It wasn’t until the very end of the service when the Pastor was giving her sermon that my ears perked up. I felt as though she was speaking right to my heart. Answering questions I had been asking myself. Being a spiritual person, I am constantly looking for signs. Signs from the universe, from someone above, anything that may give me some insight that I am on the right path.
I thought perhaps, hearing the words coming from someone else’s mouth, clearly answering the questions I have often asked myself that I would take that as my sign. Instead, I found myself in the white out- screaming into what felt like the infinite abyss. I am nowhere less confused than before.
So, for now, I’ll pick up my copy of “On the Road”, turn on some soothing music and try to figure out this crazy little thing called life.
“I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another ‘til I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.” –Jack Kerouac